The greatest moment of your life?

This is just PAINFUL. I'm not sure if it's real (I've always wondered what kind of woman would ACTUALLY turn the man down in this type of situation -- seems more prudent to quietly accept and have a little conversation about it later) - but it does seem to illustrate something I've been thinking about lately:
THE SURPRISE PROPOSAL

There are so many things that can go wrong, just with the proposal itself. Obviously, she could say no (although, dudes, let that be a lesson in the whole, awkwardly-public proposal situation) -- or, she could hate the ring. Who among us doesnt remember the episode of Sex and the City where Aidan picks out a ring that Carrie hates... and makes her re-think the entire engagement? (Recently I spoke with a friend who is looking for engagement rings -- he is terrified to pick the wrong one, as his beloved told him, in seriousness, that she would say "no" if it isnt right -- I told him not to propose, based on that alone -- but hey, that's just me).

But all of this has me thinking...

Why do so many people still engage in the "surprise proposal"? I mean, practically speaking, it's clearly an antiquated idea. The whole process came about from men "courting" women - if you've ever read a Jane Austen novel, you don't need me to explain all of that. The wedding would probably be the first time they kissed, or maybe even met - the engagement to announce that the lady was off the market. Men asked permission of the father (in a sense, indicating that the daughter is somehow his "property", the title of which is only to be transferred), bought a ring (because a woman would never be able to afford such a thing), and did all of the asking.

So, now, in a day where purity before marriage is an idea reserved for the overtly religious (and probably more taboo than premarital sex once was), and women have plenty of options (one of my friends took her first big check and bought herself a few diamond rings from Tiffany's), why do we still, largely, leave men with the control in this department?

Obviously there is an aspect of romanticism - who can deny that? I could watch hours and hours of those proposal/wedding shows on TLC, and cry every single time. But, sometimes I think this is more about the fact that, for most couples, it is the first and probably the last time the man will plan something so elaborate just for his lady. After that, it's limited to the joy that she will feel when he actually did the dishes without asking (or so I hear).

But, how does it happen in the real world? As for me, I'm probably the wrong person to ask. I've never been proposed to and, in reality, have never been close. I have seen a lot of my friends go through these things, and have noticed two trends when it comes to proposals:

The Impatience

Some of my friends must have relationship calendars -- is there an App for that? -- because many of them seem to know the exact number of months, days, hours and seconds that they have been in a relationship, which is, of course, directly proportional to the likelihood of an engagement. If he has not proposed (hence the impatience), many obsess over why (or why not), wonder if this is really "THE guy" (which is a whole other concept to be saved for another day), if they are really "THE girl" (for him)... until the whole thing becomes quite exhausting.
Then, God forbid, comes the ultimatum. Some are more express than others:
We will break up if we are not engaged by Dec 31, 2010
vs.
I will not sleep with you, move in with you, be happy, smile ever again, etc... if we do not get engaged... soon.

A dude who will not commit, when you want, at the level that you want -- well, that's a dealbreaker. A woman who will give you ultimatums in order to get the level of committment that she wants is also a dealbreaker.

The Marriage Track

I often say that when I have a bit too much to drink, I get a one-track mind (I must eat pizza, I must meet that guy, I must buy shots for everyone in this bar, etc). Well, some ladies, after the proposal, also have a one-track mind - for the wedding.
I've never been a dude, and, can confidently say I never will be -- but I can certainly imagine that when you propose to a woman, and the next day she is buried in bridal magazines and speaks only of flower arrangements and DJ's -- that it would be really, really frightening.
And, you know, they speak of post-partem depression - but I think there's also a post-marital-depression as well. The wedding is over, no one is paying attention to you anymore and - oh, now you're just married.


None of this is to say that I am anti-marriage -- some day, I may overcome my issues, and at some point, some man may accept all of my... issues. And it will be very, very beautiful. But I do think that maybe women should examine the surprise proposal concept. For the woman -- it gives the man all of the control over the relationship in a way that drives you absolutely INSANE... and for the men -- they are left wondering, when to do it, if to do it, where to do it, what ring to buy -- I mean the whole thing happens to be very stressful for them, too.
It seems to me that there is something simply beautiful about two people in love, deciding, together, that they would like to commit their lives to one another. No surprises, no guessing, no games -- just a little bit of old-fashioned, mature decision-making.
But... you can still get the ring... together.