The greatest moment of your life?

This is just PAINFUL. I'm not sure if it's real (I've always wondered what kind of woman would ACTUALLY turn the man down in this type of situation -- seems more prudent to quietly accept and have a little conversation about it later) - but it does seem to illustrate something I've been thinking about lately:
THE SURPRISE PROPOSAL

There are so many things that can go wrong, just with the proposal itself. Obviously, she could say no (although, dudes, let that be a lesson in the whole, awkwardly-public proposal situation) -- or, she could hate the ring. Who among us doesnt remember the episode of Sex and the City where Aidan picks out a ring that Carrie hates... and makes her re-think the entire engagement? (Recently I spoke with a friend who is looking for engagement rings -- he is terrified to pick the wrong one, as his beloved told him, in seriousness, that she would say "no" if it isnt right -- I told him not to propose, based on that alone -- but hey, that's just me).

But all of this has me thinking...

Why do so many people still engage in the "surprise proposal"? I mean, practically speaking, it's clearly an antiquated idea. The whole process came about from men "courting" women - if you've ever read a Jane Austen novel, you don't need me to explain all of that. The wedding would probably be the first time they kissed, or maybe even met - the engagement to announce that the lady was off the market. Men asked permission of the father (in a sense, indicating that the daughter is somehow his "property", the title of which is only to be transferred), bought a ring (because a woman would never be able to afford such a thing), and did all of the asking.

So, now, in a day where purity before marriage is an idea reserved for the overtly religious (and probably more taboo than premarital sex once was), and women have plenty of options (one of my friends took her first big check and bought herself a few diamond rings from Tiffany's), why do we still, largely, leave men with the control in this department?

Obviously there is an aspect of romanticism - who can deny that? I could watch hours and hours of those proposal/wedding shows on TLC, and cry every single time. But, sometimes I think this is more about the fact that, for most couples, it is the first and probably the last time the man will plan something so elaborate just for his lady. After that, it's limited to the joy that she will feel when he actually did the dishes without asking (or so I hear).

But, how does it happen in the real world? As for me, I'm probably the wrong person to ask. I've never been proposed to and, in reality, have never been close. I have seen a lot of my friends go through these things, and have noticed two trends when it comes to proposals:

The Impatience

Some of my friends must have relationship calendars -- is there an App for that? -- because many of them seem to know the exact number of months, days, hours and seconds that they have been in a relationship, which is, of course, directly proportional to the likelihood of an engagement. If he has not proposed (hence the impatience), many obsess over why (or why not), wonder if this is really "THE guy" (which is a whole other concept to be saved for another day), if they are really "THE girl" (for him)... until the whole thing becomes quite exhausting.
Then, God forbid, comes the ultimatum. Some are more express than others:
We will break up if we are not engaged by Dec 31, 2010
vs.
I will not sleep with you, move in with you, be happy, smile ever again, etc... if we do not get engaged... soon.

A dude who will not commit, when you want, at the level that you want -- well, that's a dealbreaker. A woman who will give you ultimatums in order to get the level of committment that she wants is also a dealbreaker.

The Marriage Track

I often say that when I have a bit too much to drink, I get a one-track mind (I must eat pizza, I must meet that guy, I must buy shots for everyone in this bar, etc). Well, some ladies, after the proposal, also have a one-track mind - for the wedding.
I've never been a dude, and, can confidently say I never will be -- but I can certainly imagine that when you propose to a woman, and the next day she is buried in bridal magazines and speaks only of flower arrangements and DJ's -- that it would be really, really frightening.
And, you know, they speak of post-partem depression - but I think there's also a post-marital-depression as well. The wedding is over, no one is paying attention to you anymore and - oh, now you're just married.


None of this is to say that I am anti-marriage -- some day, I may overcome my issues, and at some point, some man may accept all of my... issues. And it will be very, very beautiful. But I do think that maybe women should examine the surprise proposal concept. For the woman -- it gives the man all of the control over the relationship in a way that drives you absolutely INSANE... and for the men -- they are left wondering, when to do it, if to do it, where to do it, what ring to buy -- I mean the whole thing happens to be very stressful for them, too.
It seems to me that there is something simply beautiful about two people in love, deciding, together, that they would like to commit their lives to one another. No surprises, no guessing, no games -- just a little bit of old-fashioned, mature decision-making.
But... you can still get the ring... together.

Obligatory Gift Giving

Today's inspiration is a much better-written, wittier piece than I myself can or will write today (collateral lesson: set expectations low, expect great results):
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laurenne-sala/thanks-wise-men-stuck-in-_b_799382.html
So, I suggest you read Laurenne Sala's comments as well (or maybe just skip mine altogether) ... but it brings up a great topic for the season:
OBLIGATORY GIVING
As I sit on an airplane, writing this from my brand new netbook (thank you, mom and dad) -- I can honestly say I love Christmas. My parents have always made a huge deal about gift-giving around this time and it certainly hasnt stopped just because I pay my own rent and take out my own trash now (although, as a side note, every Christmas I'm reminded that if my brother and I just hold off on having any children, we could potentially clean up like this into our 40's.
Anyway, point is -- in my family, the giving/receiving gifts is a pleasure in which everyone finds delight. The part of Sala's article that reminded me of my family was that need to get the "perfect gift" - basically, something you either once knew you wanted, but later forgot -- or even better, never knew you wanted at all. Gift cards are frowned upon by all (Really? That's the best you could come up with?), and cash is an unacceptable alternative. One year, after graduating law school and constantly reminded of the mortgage I had inadvertantly obtained (AKA - student loan debt), I begged my parents to just pay off my credit card for Christmas, instead of gifts. The whole idea was so abhorrent to my father (what fun is that?), that my rather mature and practical request was summarily denied.
But, whether you belong to a family that cherishes the element of surprise, or one of those "weird" families that buys one another exactly what you asked for (huh?) -- I think we've all had the dreaded holiday experience - opening (and, presumably, pretending to like) a terrible gift while everyone looks on in awkward anticipation.
Some people are better at this than others. I remember younger cousins proclaiming proudly:
I dont LIKE this!
The majority of us probably just smile tensely like a Botox-victim and hope the spotlight turns to someone else quickly.
So, in conclusion, I will devote the rest of this entry to some of the worst gifts I've ever received, and invite you to share. And, if you happen to be reading this, and happen to have purchased one of those things for me -- I'm very, very sorry. It's me, not you.
1. I can only devote one place to the ugly clothing I have received over the years - there are too many to count, and many have been blocked from memory. The worst were homemade. One had a penguin applique - I was only seven, but I already knew it was bad. I hope the patrons of Goodwill have found more joy in them than I.
2. Wool scarves in gloves - when I lived on South Beach. And, no, I did not have any vacations to Vail planned.
3. A teddy bear - a gift from a high school boyfriend. Two months later, I realized he had placed a gold necklace around its neck. I presume that was the real gift, but I didnt see it until we had broken up. And even then, it was ugly.
4. Another boyfriend regifted me a Rocky poster. By "regifted", I mean, it used to be on his wall when he was a child and was barely in one piece. Oh, and it came with photos of him as a child with what I presume he believed were poetic things written on the back. It was not sweet, it was creepy. And cheap.
5. Every Bath and Body gift set I've ever received. It just couldn't get any more generic than that.
And, on that note -- I hope everyone had happy holidays :-)

Facebook Foes

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/fl-facebook-lawsuit-settlement-20101227,0,7806953.story

A victory for the First Amendment? Yes. Something to think about? Maybe...

We've all been told we have to be careful about what we put on Facebook (or Myspace, or Twitter, etc.) - and I myself am probably guilty of being a little TOO confident in the privacy settings. I mean, I'm not into the "checking in" phenomenon myself... but I have been "tagged" in posts like that. We jokingly talk about Facebook stalking, but sometimes I suppose it's more a possibility than we regularly consider.

We all know that would-be criminals have always loved the Internet. And, honestly, I myself have never really been duped by someone claiming I could make millions by giving my credit card information to someone in Africa (although, I've had friends and clients alike who HAVE genuinely fallen for such things).

So, check this out:
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/business/os-facebook-scams-20101227,0,7348052.story

Turns out crooks love Facebook too. And, ok -- maaaaybe you'd have to be quite a *special* sorority girl to believe some random dude's claims that your sorority membership depends on your sending him lewd photos. Ok. *Free Olive Garden Gift Certificate, Just Click Here* might be a more tempting option...
But, really, I think the real thing most people have to pay attention to is -- who are your friends on Facebook? I'm all for a friendly game of I-have-more-friends-on-facebook-than-you... and personally have a rule that I only accept friend requests from those I've met in real life (at least once) -- but that's really more a silly point of pride than a response to security concerns. But many (ahem, DUDES - with porn stars as Facebook friends -- your, uh, special "intimate" moments with them don't really count) are friends with people just because they ask.
But then the article mentions fake Facebook profiles - people who are your REAL friends who have their Facebook accounts hijacked by a real crook (with bad intentions and access to your personal information).

Which brings me back to the original story -- how much can you say on Facebook about another person -- legally -- and, then, of course, how much SHOULD you say anyway?

This girl had a Facebook group devoted to how horrible her teacher was -- up for only three days. She took it down, not because of punishment from her school (which came later), but because her classmates gave her such a hard time about it. Social pressure usually does its job at that point in life - way better than our parents or teachers can, huh? Anyway, it's just interesting -- seems like this teacher was a little bit of a whiner. But where do we draw the line?

I knew someone who had an entire profile made of him - without his consent - claiming that he was coming out as a gay man (he isnt gay). Ok, obviously there's an issue of WHO has that kind of time on their hands (meaning the dude who created the profile) -- but that's pretty serious. If you put your picture on Facebook, you put it out there -- not only for people to see, but for people to STEAL and assume your identity - or really do whatever they want with it. Sure, a lot of this activity is illegal -- but how much damage could be done before you could really reach those avenues?

In the end, I'm the wrong person to lecture about this. After all, I'll be posting this blog on Facebook after I finish it. But, it is at least food for thought.

Snoop Doggy Dog

Let's begin with a little story:


http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chicagotribune.com%2Fnews%2Fchi-ap-mi-readingwifese-ma%2C0%2C5061389.story&h=b4102

I find this interesting for many reasons. First, there's the criminal defense attorney in me. This makes me think of practical legal implications - such as:
-Did this woman actually call the police for this? Or, more importantly - did the police actually respond for this? Sadly, it is probably less surprising to me that the State Attorney's Office is prosecuting this man for this -- but you should probably be upset and shocked by this.
-Could any jury really find this man guilty? Yeh, this is a good day for jury nullification.

But, more importantly, and probably more relevant to everyone I know -- it makes me think of the fact that I (hypothetically, for fear of facing similar prosecution myself) could have apparently been prosecuted for the same thing. Of course, I have found many reasons in my Elizabeth-Taylor-like love life to avoid snooping. Namely, there's that crack-like addiction that takes over the soul once you start. If you find something - you want to know more. If you dont find anything - you want to keep looking. I think it's a mix of the insecurity that can plague any relationship and the voyeurs that I know we all are at heart.
Oh - and then there's the moment when you DO find something, and then what? Either you confront the person, and really, risk revealing what youve been doing all this time while your partner showers -- or, keep it to yourself and let it eat away at your soul??? It's sort of a lose/lose.
Ok, and I think we all know, in the logical parts of ourselves, that in a relationship where you feel you NEED to snoop -- there's already a problem (ahem, lack of trust). Unless, of course, youre THAT person who has snooped one every person youve ever dated. Then you just have a problem.
The funniest thing about this story is that it is SO typical. First, the dude was right. I mean, he snooped because he had a suspicion, we can assume. And, it seems that he was right. And then, the bitch called the police on HIM. Typical!

Let me illustrate:
I had a boyfriend and I didnt trust him (for very good reason, but that's foreshadowing). Things got to a bad place, and I went through great lengths to look at his phone. I found as much proof as I possibly could have (I mean, it's rare that someone finds the flaming gun, I guess... like this woman on Maury the other day said she THOUGHT her boyfriend MIGHT be cheating because she found lip gloss on his genitals... but I digress), but he would never admit to any of it. The more I found, the crazier I was, according to him. Although, I can say, he may have been right -- I was pretty crazy to be putting all of that energy into finding what I already knew, instead of, oh - I dont know... moving on? But, we'll chalk that up to temporary insanity, and move on...
This is what we call the blame game. The cheater, blinded by guilt (or, perhaps, in this particular situation, a severe case of antisocial personality disorder), projects this bad feeling on the cheatee by making them feel crazy. Men (sorry, but I have to go sexist for a minute) love to do this. But this woman -- wow. She took it to a new level by calling the police?

Anyway -- let this be a lesson to us all. Snooping never helped anyone, but apparently, it can also be a felony. And if you're really suspicious, let a professional, like Joey Greco or Maury Povich, handle it for you.